I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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