Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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