I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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