apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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