Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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