It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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