i think my mom watched the whole time
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize