We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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