2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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