How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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