loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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