Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
