I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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