I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
