You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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