remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
