Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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