We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
