tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Randomize
