he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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