apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
