Please, let me fuck your mom
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
