never play flip cup with pint glasses
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize