it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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