I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
