I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
