why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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