I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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