Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
