I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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