I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
pray to the hookup gods
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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