i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
