Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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