how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
