I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
