I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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