Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I have aggressive nipples.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
