i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
