I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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