Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize