I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
