So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
