No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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