sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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