Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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