I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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