I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
