Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize