i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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