so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
