You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
