you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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