i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
