My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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