tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
