Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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