there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
